Last weekend, I binged the last few episodes of season three of ‘Big Boys’ on Channel 4, the show inspired by the comedian Jack Rooke’s university days. I’ve loved the show from when it aired first back in 2022, where the central character Jack strikes up an ‘unlikely friendship with his laddish, socially assured roommate Danny while struggling to find his feet in Brent uni’s gay scene.’ There’d been a shadow of grief subtly hanging over the show, from season one and two because the creator Jack Rooke would narrate in every episode and only address Danny. He even made an appearance as ‘older Jack’ in one of the episodes where he would talk to Danny, or a memory of him. So, in the final episode, following some really amazing scenes throughout the season where the actor portraying Danny struggles with his character’s depression, and the creator, Jack goes and sits on a bench overlooking the sea in Margate and Danny’s there next to him.

After a brief exchange, Danny expressed his regret, saying, “I didn’t make it, did I?” Jack acknowledged his words with a simple nod. Danny then took a deep breath and exhaled, uttering, “I’m so sorry, mate.” It was in my opinion the most beautiful and heartbreaking scene, and I cried next to my husband as we both watched it in bed.

I’ve experienced loss, and that particular scene made me think of them. I’d be sitting on a bench, at my desk at work, or even on a walk by myself, and they’ve been right next to me. I would give anything to talk to them again. Since opening up more in counselling, I’ve realised that I’ve been harbouring feelings of loss for years. I’m glad I watched this show, because from the first episode I saw myself in the semi-fictional protagonist, Jack, and throughout the three seasons I adored his friendship with Danny. And I very much miss my friend.